girl has like over 50 stars tattooed on her front, side and back. feels like i just fucked the universe.
Is it bad when your hot neighbor is crying on her porch, and your 2nd thought is "maybe her boyfriend cheated on her and she'll want to fuck me for revenge sex?"
Perfectly normal.
She asked if my windows were tinted enough for road head.
Apparently getting dressed is an all-day activity.
I think the old lady next to me at the bar just saw your pussy
I suggest absurd amounts of masturbation this weekend to build up the necessary calluses
Hey do you eat chocolate chip pancakes with bacon in?
DO NOT MAIL ME A PANCAKE
It only takes one line of cocaine, and you try to shotput a fucking kitchen table
I told two kids in their homecoming outfits to use a condom because of Ebola. I may have saved a life last night
she's throwing knives it scares me
update: broke ceiling. glass everywhere
I just showered and shaved both ankles and one knee because that's the skin that's exposed in the jeans I'm wearing today. Please tell me I'm not the only one who does that.
Dude I just clenched/unclenched my hindquarters while looking in the mirror I have fucking talent
Hey I'm at the gym and I need your personal trainer help. Also can you send me that picture of me eating a sausage. I want to post it on instgram.
I always knew I would be boring and die in an Uber.
He just got back from doing field research studying wild chimpanzees in the goddamn jungle. Obviously I fucked him.
Randomize
