Just bought a handle of vodka with the excuse of "just in case we drink tonight"
The two guys from next door helped him do a backflip. The ended up throwing him halfway through a ceiling tile. Don't worry, we fixed it with duct tape.
Want me to give your number to an army recruiter?
I don't know... do you want me to use your number to sell used gay porn on Craigslist?
I sense beginning a prank war would end badly for both of us.
Also I spent like 2 hours on the hubble/nasa website sunday night looking at pictures of outer space and cried my face off at how beautiful and complex it is. What's wrong with me?!
She just kept introducing me to people by telling them which of their friends I've fucked
Oh by the way, john gave me your shirt to return to you when I was at work today. I almost gave him his girlfriends underwear to return to her but figured it would be inappropriate.
I think my boss gives me work off weekends because he doesn't want me showing up hungover anymore..
How have I seen you throw up on yourself 3 different times, yet we weren't Facebook friends until I accidentally hooked up with your ex?
I'm pretty sure that I drunkenly used the phrase "I just want his beard all over my body" way too many times last night.
It's something I can't competently describe without making sex sounds.
He asked me who my new boyfriend was and I showed him a picture of my sex toys.
so an orgy is about to happen in the next room if you wondered where i am currently at in life
Mid-fucking he screams "YOU CAN'T VOTE FOR TRUMP"
Do you know who changed all my phone contacts into characters from Harry Potter?
He Who Must Not Be Named.
Fuck you.
You're a FUCKING ASSHOLE. Love mom
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