Denmark girl wants me to go out but i remembered shes a raging whore with extremely questionable morals. Not feelin that tonight
Dude!! Mom just asked me why you have 'boobies' hahaha
I hate my life
don't bother texting me at 10. my pants WILL be off and I'm not putting them back on to come see you.
i lost my airplane ticket and tried to board with a bar receipt in all the confusion. i have officially lost all brain cells in college.
I have no valid justification for peeing in your kitchen, but I don't think it's worth breaking up over.
He will not just "come" out of the closet. He will fall out, 69ing me, with two fingers in his starving asshole, wearing cum splattered lady gaga sunglasses, weeping.
That was the greatest thing i have ever read.
rumor has it I kept asking you to go to the "tall grass" with me...sorry about that.
Are you the reason I woke up without pants?
I found your missing hash cookies. Fuck you and I'm sorry but there are only 2 left. I already had the munchies.
I just made my mom buy me lube. I've reached a new level of broke.
...take a good look at your butthole.... then try matching it to any paint color on the Benjamin Moore color wheel....not gonna happen...
I just gave a fucking twenty minute blowiob.. I'm a GOOD girlfriend.
so you might not believe this but he made a powerpoint. and gave you a 3.5/10.
She asked me to tell her the three words every girl wants to hear so I whispered "I play hockey" in her ear.
On my way home I saw a car that had "MOVE OVER PLZ" emblazoned across the windshield backwards, so people could see it in their rearview mirror
If I ever drive for Lyft or Uber I'm definitely gonna do that
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