My life would be so much easier if i could just ride around in the cash cab all day
I wish they made portable blow up dolls for girls.
It's called a dildo, genius. Go to sleep.
i just sent this text using only my big toe
so I woke up this morning and on their fridge, the first item on the shopping list was my virginity.
I just kept pointing at random people and telling the bartender to put it on their tab.
If i had 4 hands right now is have booze in 3 of them and my cock in the other all because you went to denver. just sayin.
I feel strange, like something is off with my body
Yeah that's called sobering up, we've been drunk for the past 4 days
Look, opening a Guinness with a steak knife and nearly cutting your finger off to make another carbomb is always a good idea.
Just saw a dude dressed as captain america driving down the highway. He saluted me.
I used the hope and guess method to figure out who I slept with last night.
Oh and yeah that does count as public urination.
Doesn't matter how many times we tell him the kid's a freshman, he keeps repeating "cupcake boy shall be mine" and honestly you need to intervene
No alcohol sales on Election Day. WTF? Today, of all days, I need to be splurged to to vote for any of these morons running for president.
This morning when you were fucking me you said you'd go to the store and get me tampons and a 30 pack
Just got home, my brothers stoned and he got a high score on COD.. He just asked me if I wanted to have a celebrational yogurt with him. Wtf?
Randomize
