I think I left something in your back seat.... It was my integrity
I'm so drunk I cant read cursive anymore.
legit been throwing up since 7am. told my parents the two bowls of puke in my dorm were soup
Okay, guy from work I want to fuck just told me he liked the font on my PowerPoint presentation. It is so on.
Make me proud, climb that corporate ladder.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
A girl told me I was her "alcohol spirit animal" tonight. Somehow I think my whole life was secretly building up to this moment
NOLA update. Went to Corey Smith at the house of blues last night. Drank PBR and took lots of shots of Jack. Too drunk, cabbed it to the hotel and fell asleep while having sex. Not my finest moment. Now I'm in court. I can't wait to be your attorney.
He tried to tell me that he could handle his liquor better than "all the bitches in this town." AS HE THREW UP. ALL. OVER.
I'm so tired I just poured monster in my coffee.
And it tastes incredible.
And I have chest pains.
We couldn't find the paddle I had gotten so he just spanked with my tennis raquet
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
If tits could talk, mine would be bragging
Yeah. Got a major ego boost when she said she felt like she had just fucked King Arthur. Buying some donuts later to celebrate with, wanna join?
I'm too old for chlamydia. That's for 20 year olds who go to clubs and do drugs I've never heard of.
What a way to start the day. Staring at penis for 3 hours
It's pretty much my favorite thing ever
I ate her out and told her she tasted like pumpkin pie. She screamed that she hated pumpkins and started to cry
At one point did I say I have a doctorate in fuck u?
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