Godddamnit i jsu woke up in oharee. My connecxtion left an hro ago. Thosse flight atttendants can DRinK
Dude I just picked up a married chick while her husband was playing pool.
What do you mean you picked her up? How are you gonna leave the bar?
I didn't. I fucked her in the men's room. Come get me before he finds out.
Cute you're picking friends over dick. I feel like this is the trailer for a lifetime movie.
At the pride parade. It's not even noon and I'm drunk as shit... for equality of course
I can hear my liver begging me not to go out tonight
Apparently I joined a band last night. Definitely my favorite blackout.
well on a positive note i hear those vitamins you take while pregnant do wonders for your nails
I always give him head in random places, it's a guessing game for his cock.
Driving a mountain pass in the middle of a blizzard with the worst vodka gummybear hangover ever is gods way of telling me to keep the black-outing within a 15 mile radius to my house.
I think they took out their livers years ago and replaced them with like cheese graters or something. Only explanation.
Fuck I am so excited for the first time I can make someone call me Doctor Nikki during sex after I finish my PhD
I kinda forgave him after he laid next to me and rubbed my arm for four hours while I tripped balls.
Secrets from the porn industry: liTERALLY SHOVE A SEA SPONGE UP YOUR VAGINA GO ON DO IT
Just sent a nude with the caption "seasons greetings from our family to yours"
I think it's a bit on the nose for the Uber driver to play stairway to heaven while driving like A psycho.
Randomize
