i wonder if detective benson from law and order takes those handcuffs home. i bet she does.
I'm gonna die fat and alone and all they will find is pizza crusts
i just found out that washing ur bong in the dishwasher works. its been a productive day
Fuck Spring. The birds chirping at 4am make me feel unnatural for still being up and drunk.
thanks for at least making it out of the pool before you threw up
Mike is worried about me going on a cruise in June without him....how cute he thinks we are going to last till June
I mean I don't object to weird looking penis as long as it gets the job done. I just need to get it in. I'm gonna be humping chairs soon.
He came when Ron Burgundy started playing the jazz flute. How do you think it went?
Just had a flashback to Friday. Definitely had my hands in someone's bra. Definitely wasn't mine.
Nope. Flying out tonight. Staying with my great aunt who is an ex nun turned hostel owner. Best and likely most dangerous St. Patty's Day to commence in 10 hours. IRELAND!
Be safe. And I hate you.
Dad stumbling and puking in the White Castle parking lot = Father's Day success
Yeah yeah I know I have to bring your dog back.
Btw. I have a sinus infection from doing cocaine in a portapotty at a Duran Duran concert. So, gimme a couple of days before y'all start the party.
sex on a bike is impossible
challenge accepted
I mean there are real risks associated with having unprotected sex, but I don’t think I need to worry about a ghost possessing me and having unprotected sex while using my body
Randomize
