Dude, we have the same penis size. Best friends for life.
i feel like even strangers are annoyed with me because of how drunk i was last night
I wonder if she thought to herself "I'm gonna sleep with that guy tonight" when she watched me puke on the bar at 3 in the afternoon?
I'm drinking red wine & feeding anchovies to the dog. I'm really not picky about what kinda of company I'm in.
I just found out I lost my virginity the same day my parents did, 25 years later. This is my life.
True. I'd rather snort cocaine off a homeless guy then work on the weekend...Actually that may not be that bad.
she got kicked out of the bar for shoving german chocolate cake in the bartenders face. we were there less than a minute
you're going to have to hot glue me into my dress tonight. there's no way out.
Woke up today to the sound of church bells. My first thought was shit the apocalypse, but then I remembered my hook up lives next to a church. This might be a rough day.
my head feels like a yellow yolk spinning in a circle at the bottom of the bowl.. i may have a concussion, love auto correct
He gave me the award for most entertaining blow job. That should count for something.
I woke up with a bagel in my mouth, still ate it. Free breakfast
I'm excited I love mornings when I'm not sober
Why did I not realize how important my fridge was till I was drunk. It keeps all my food cold its like my own cold box
I haven’t taken my socks off in over 36 hours. I should add that to my bumble profile.
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