Wow so 15 missed calls, a vm AND a text saying come downstairs? ...And where is downstairs? Explain.
i just borrowed 5 dollars from my eight year old sister. i'm at a new low
They still haven't come up with a cure for a hangover; good luck cancer.
She loves me even though she knows all Ive done. Shes kind of like jesus.
Dude its 315 and I'm sitting here eating slices of cheese. Don't talk to me about tomorrow.
The house is trashed, there is porn scattered everywhere like an easter egg hunt and the blow up doll is sleeping on the couch downstairs. someone covered her up.
Im gonna need you to always be ready for drinking or this will never work. grow up peter pan.
This is the weirdest negotiation ever.
This is what happens when two people with zero shame try to argue.
The party went downhill once the fire department had to be called to put out the kitchen fire.
And I was chasing apple pie moonshine (provided by cops) with bud light limeys. In a golf cart, wearing a tiara.
Sorry for all the snapchats, I wanted you to feel like u were in America getting plastered with me
I'll meet you in hell with unlimited boxes of wine though
Ok, not to minimize the significance of that beautiful anecdote from your childhood, but here's a video of my penis.
You ate ashes out of my bong
I just realized, you're dating a guy named Jameson. That is another level of whiskey dick.
Randomize
