I woke up wearing no shirt sleeping next to a half-eaten grilled cheese.
Well did you call the grilled cheese yet? Or r u waiting the usual 3 days?
The woman at walgreens tried to sell me clearance condoms with my fake eyelashes. Does it look like I get laid?
i never told you how having a club foot got me laid
Come put a leash on your gf. She just challenged 8 cops to a wrestling match for 'tag team champion of the world'
Dude you can sell sperm for 100 to 250 bucks a time. And the best part is there will be kids all over the world that will have me as a daddy. It's like I'm jerking off my way into ruling the world
I woke up and blew hamburger out my nose. That kinda night.
put me on a leash or i'm going to fuck someone
how did my horoscope know i was too hungover to operate a stove.
If I never see my landlord's dick again, it'll be too soon.
Nothing like the soothing screaming of your neighbor getting boned while eating a pizza on the front porch.
I told some guy on tinder, that apparently has a prosthetic leg, that I think we started off on the wrong foot. I hate myself...
Hes back in his dorm room dancing naked with 3D glasses on.
and he said that acid doesnt really do anything to him...
I feel like my toilet water looks different when outsiders use my bathroom...
Are you high right now?
HOW DID YOU KNOW!
I legit measured his penis against my chapstick and it was too close to call. So that was my night.
Hey, what's the French word for when you meet your boyfriend's friend and you have that gut feeling that you smoked pot naked in a hot tub with him at a house party years ago?
Randomize
