How the fuck did you go into work today? You are a better man than I. I couldn't even show up to being unemployed on time.
I'm too high to be shopping. I just contemplated deoderant for fifteen minutes. Now testing pillows
I swear to God, I just heard my guardian angel tell us to stop. I think we should listen.
More likely there's a very shell-shocked cat wandering around somewhere, covered in potato peelings
How many times do I have to drunk reject you for our friendship to become awkward? Cause were at 9 as of last night
We're all getting matching jack daniels tattoos. We're gonna be an alcoholic gang of awesome.
I'm not really made for random hookups.. i'm like a swan.. i don't wanna have random swan sex. i just wanna have one swan hubby and fly around the world together and eat bread that people throw at us..
Quote of the night award goes to my father "I like wearing my swim trunks around the house because they are cooler and more blousy for my balls". Yay dad
If your mother gets up on the bar again, I will. The bouncer already had a talk with her earlier.
Hold on, I need to find something to wear that says "I don't contribute to your daughter's drug problem"
OH MY GOD! I CAN FEEL A PULSE IN MY BALLS IT HURTS! ITS LIKE MINI FEMINIST NINJAS ARE ATTACKING MY BALLS!!!
I had a dream involving the worlds smallest pony, an asphalt volcano, and jimi hendrix. Never smoking 3 bowls before bed again
Had phone sex with my boss who I still haven’t seen in person. How’s your Monday ?
I just woke up with a cowboy hat on my face and a playboy from the 90s on my chest
We were playing fuck marry kill and he was eavesdropping so I said I would fuck him
It was like catching dick in a barrel
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