Got some. In a truck. I will just pee you in the morning i guess?
come home now. i got a twizzler tangled in my hair again
I'll go out only because I know the starving children in third-world countries would frown upon us if we let an hour of free sangria go to waste...
how do i say, "my ex is going to be at this party so don't look like shit" without sounding like a bitch?
Please tell me you are a size medium in men's clown onesies and that you forgot them here last night.....
Just ran into that guy that tried to take a dump in your pool
How do people deal with hangovers? I literally want to eat my own face.
So... Sorry I threw that watermelon at you the other day. I didn't think it would break any bones.
Now that there's no chance of him coming over to fuck anymore, I'm going to put up a one-person tent in my bedroom and live in it. My bed reminds me of him.
Dude, she's the greatest salesman alive. she convinced chelsea to buy a box of Cheerios for $20. She can find your dick some willing pussy.
woke up holding a soft boiled egg cup and empty bottle of rum. apparently i couldn't find a shot glass
You put your finger on my lips and told me 'the butt is nature's pocket'.
I don't remember that at all, but I stand by what I said
What am I doing with my life
Sleeping with dudes who have peacocks apparently.
I love that my family celebrates every holiday with a joint. Chanukah? Mazel-juana! Easter? What's more spring than the color green? Election day? What better way to celebrate democracy in action than medical pot?
There was one thing about my NYC trip I forgot to tell you: I took a dump in Trump Tower
Randomize
