So she started giving everyone lap dances, and i was like "i think i like this chick"
Baby momma caught me doing baby daddy in reverse cowgirl. She kicked me out and i have no clothes, come get me.
I hope you walked the shit out of that shame.
I just told her she was a heartbeat above a blowup doll.
She needs to learn what's it like to have sex with someone and regret it the next day.
the day after is always just damage control
Wise words from the guy who drunkenly chipped his teeth on the sidewalk
Crosswalk actually
I went commando last night, then accidentally flashed a police van...They acknowledged it.
Best feeling in the world is getting a random boob pic from a drunk chick at 3 am.
I swear you won't find cereal in your washer machine again.
I am more than mildly offended he didn't screenshot the snapchat of my boobs.
Hey, I'm just seeing how you're doing and letting you know I fucked your dad last night. Don't fuck with me.
Let me atleast have my coffee before you start talking about your penis
Think i may just have managed the saddest high-five in history. Finished a sudoku and high-fived myself, then looked around for somebody to high five. there was noone. forever alone.
This is very awkward but where is my dildo, Mom
Yeah but now he has a wife. It’s going to be different this year
So what. We’ve banged every Thanksgiving since high school. She just has to understand it’s a holiday tradition
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