My sheets look like a crime scene.
You kept hiding marshmallows in the freezer saying "they would never think to look here"
On a scale of 1 to last weekend, how hungover are you?
No I'm not proud of you for not sleeping with him. He has herpes. You don't get a gold star for behaving how you're expected to. Trust me. I'm a teacher.
Also, you peed on your hand last night. Id just like to point that out
Apparently throwing balloons filled with vodka off the roof is considered terrorism.
Theres either a bag of coke in my pocket or a bag of anthrax, either way last night got way to serious
I thought my life was going to shit but then I read about Amanda Bynes and I realize it's not so bad
I slept with a Brazillian Man, That's why I'm Watching The World Cup
Ok, in complete transparency, I am eating a cookie on my bed naked while reading a Halo novel.
Uhh I just had to break up with a guy who I didn't even know I was dating...
I like that you're more concerned about how I would find the time to clone you, than the fact that I have your blood.
All i remember from last night was that i was sitting on the toilet for a good hour eating a philly cheesesteak hotpocket... then i woke up... in my bed.
Remind me to tell you about this weekend with them. It was the least fun I have ever had drinking. And I have thrown up pork and beer through my nose on the side of the freeway.
I was so high I forgot how to swallow food, and I just kept thinking "thank god its just mashed potatoes, they'll go down eventually"
Randomize
