I just googled "whats above a trillion", thats how busy I am at work.
This is awkward. You have a four minute voicemail from me. I would delete it. I accidently hit your number on speed dial and called you while I was vomiting a mai tai.
Ever got a vibrator stuck in ur hair? Is worse that getting ur hairbrush stuck.
...well that sucks.
just took my exes job. there should be an award for how many times I've managed to fuck that girl's life
you started crying about dinosaurs being extinct
that's why i woke up holding that dina girls hand
she's a dina-saur
Our local strip club now has karaoke. Do you realize what this could mean for my sex life?
Just passed a guy passed out on a riding lawn mower in his front yard.
No I'm not proud of you for not sleeping with him. He has herpes. You don't get a gold star for behaving how you're expected to. Trust me. I'm a teacher.
She told me that as long as she kept starring at the freckle on her arm she wouldnt throw up
You know you're fucked up when you throw your phone on the roof of the bar to show how good the Otter Box works.
I literally was just rolling on the ground and said to her 'this is what dying looks like'
I look like i have multiple stab wounds in my foot and there are footprints from the elevator to my room. What happened?
Is it possible to break your brain with drugs?
I'm too old for chlamydia. That's for 20 year olds who go to clubs and do drugs I've never heard of.
I don't know if I'm more excited about sex or that I have an excuse to smoke a cigarette
Randomize
