I regularly think about how cool your nickname is
if i die, you can have my worn out liver and american apparel deep v's.sell the liver to a chinese restaurant
I have to look really hot tonight because my personality is going to suck.
We're like two naked peas in a sex pod.
maybe we can find two twins tonight and bang them together and then my life is complete
Sometimes I send them texts like "I want to make you cry and lick up your tears" just to fuck with them. And THAT is how you get rid of a Stage 5 clinger.
We're making herpes jokes very loudly and hoping she notices.
On the back of that comment, I've formed a theory that as a result of my brainwashing your drunk self actually believes that beards are your calling.
Oh god. Standing was a rash decision
I made it to Starbucks to do work and I've just been sitting here with my head on the table for 30 minutes...
Um ... did I have a lizard on my shoulder last night at the bar?
You started sleep walking, went to my closet, tried to pee on my boots, and when I asked you what you were doing you said "I'm talking to these people about jobs"
Reason # 294827284949272 i could never be a cop. I would just shoot. All the time. Ppl. Animals. Inanimate objects. Air.
Just watched my first Christmas porn of the year. Def have the spirit now
I've officially slept with/dated two guys that have gotten tased. What the fuck is wrong with me
I didn't think you wanted your identity stolen along with your dignity. My mistake.
Randomize
