What are you wearing to our high school reunion?
I don't know, What kind of dress says "I feel sorry for you people?"
When I came home you were watching infomercials, eating croutons out of the box and salsa from a funnel. Well done.
How did your new apartment party go last night?
I'm really happy i have a bigger bathroom to puke in.
luckily my workout playlist doubles as a masturbation playlist.
I just blurted out "it's pretty tight isn't it"
You're either a hooker or Beyonce. Beyonce is abnormally good at doing everything in heels
I just got a get of my turf look from a hooker. Apparently, Ninja Turtles T-shirt+Jeans+Flip-Flops=Hooker Gear. Woot.
Listen you let me know what you're doing after drinking rum punch all morning
You didn't try to help me when I fell on the dance floor. She brought me cupcakes. You're a shitty friend, suck your own dick.
The only thing I had in my freezer before today was patron and cheese.
Not many people can say they've been photo bombed by an antelope. I sure did.
I swear to God if you fuck my cousin I will fuck your dad.
You were leaning against a fire hydrant asking people if they wanted to buy free pocket peanuts from you.
I successfully cockblocked 5 people in one night. I wasnt getting any, why should they.
100000% expect a picture of my ass in them
Randomize
