I am now the proud owner of a 10-12 year old's Optimus Prime costume from Walmart. Tomorrow is going to be a good day.
I'm not so good at organized events that don't revolve around whiskey or playgrounds.
I just told him he had gained a new brother. He immediately knew I meant the eskimo kind.
She made me walk a straight line to prove i was sober enough to help carry you to the car
Knowing you it was perfect out of spite. Like. A line straighter than YOU
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A guy just grabbed my balls before he shook my hand because he thought he knew me.
He yelled "HOO-ah!" like Al Pacino when he pulled down his pants. Trust me, he has every right to.
A surplus of mistakes were made and I don't know what 89% of them were.
You know the sex was good when he had to ask which way was north before he left.
A boy in some branch of the military kissed me I think I'm going through an American sniper phase
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Come camping we have xanax and steaks
I got so drunk that I peed my bed...and all over him. The ironic thing is that he slept in his swimming trunks.
What can I say I sleep with 40 year old Cougars because my mother gave me away at birth and apparently that's why says my therapist
She said I'm like warm bathroom-sink water. There's nothing necessarily wrong with me, but she doesn't exactly want to "drink me in"
I'm surprised this is your first encounter with pepper spray. surprised, and somewhat proud.
Maybe I’ll just go to the party as myself
What, a homewrecker?
Touché
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