So called my VP's house on Sunday drunk and told him that if he didn't hire me for the new position I would skull fuck his wife. They asked me to go home today. Thanks again Vodka
would you object to me following you around all the time with a video camera and selling it to TV? Your life could make me millions.
god help us all. i just saw an infant wearing a onesie that said "i don't know who my daddy is"
she's got that wholesome 16 and pregnant look.
He sent me a picture of his dick with a cowboy hat on it.
Dude. Remember the only two rules I set for that? Always have a sober friend and don't do drugs with a fat chick.
My mom ate salad out of the vodka bowl
I wish someone would just come knock on my door and fuck me already so that me and my stuffed animals aren't the only ones who see my amazing spring break tan. I'm not getting skin cancer so I can just sit here abstinent.
Who gives a hand job to a 19 yr old one night then the next lets a 31 year old random man fly a plane to town and pick u up and take u to dinner?
I drank a girls breast milk at this wedding. Shit was next level
I was in a penguin suit. Dick out. I am confident in the value of my pic.
I called you daddy and let you stick things in my butt, I am a damn 11.
Drink. Fuck. Waffle House. Repeat.
Wait is this place where the strippers are missing teeth and I think one is missing a thumb? Though I don't know how she would maneuver on the pole without a thumb. Pls advise.
I had a dream that we had an entire sofa made out of cocaine.
Randomize
