listen. just hotwire a car, take off the license plate, make up a new one on a sheet of paper and go the speed limit. i do it like, at least 3x a week.
he actually used the line "do you have a map, because i'm lost in your eyes" and i was to drunk to care
Please, do not let 'babydaddy' catch on as your petname for me.
the russians are downstairs with the vodka loudly proclaiming happy birthday america. i don't care if it's the fourth, i care that it's 9 am and they woke me up.
Security brought me back to our hotel room in a wheelchair last night. Vegas.
And if you ever tell anyone that I will fucking kill you.
And to think..we used to do everything sober...
I just had to dig under a pile of condoms in my desk drawer to get to a blue book. Summer is officially over.
Just high watching the holiday fireplace channel. My space heater lends authenticity to the fire experience. Come over.
Seriously, you can't give someone's wife an orgasm on the dance floor of a gay nightclub and then hang out with her husband the following week
I went in the closet and cried, then the bathroom and cried, and lastly he showed me his penis and I cried. It was a weird night.
well that's what you get for sleeping with a guy called 'the defiler'
it was one of those unspoken contracts of silence like "I teach your daughter and you work at a strip club"...I don't tell if you don't
These last 48 hours have just been about deleting my most recent snap story
He texted me at 4:30 in the morning saying "I'm not drunk but I think you're beautiful" and then a facebook message at 6 am saying "hi" and the subject was "oh"
There is a woman in the stall next to me giving a pep talk to her daughter that wants to call off her wedding. I'm afraid to pee!
Randomize
