there is a homeless man oan crack poledancing on a fence... now hes humping it...
so i'm sitting in his room drinking tequila from the bottle and watching harry potter. he's jacking off to some porn a couple feet away from me. at one point i look over and see that he's watching me instead of the porn. please help me figure out how warped it is that i found that romantic
he refused to get me toilet paper before we started drinking so I keep wiping with his towel.
I just puked in my fish tank. Helloooooo summer.
you go from almost hooking up with the hottest guy at the party, to going home with your ex....how is that even mathematically possible
he sent me a picture of his dick with a heart border around it
Well regardless of which drugs we choose to do tonight until four in the morning, we are having a wii bowling championship. So choose carefully.
Drunk me thinks I can light up a cig anywhere, sober me finds this hilarious and highly irresponsible. The grocery store is not a bar.
After the keg stand you collapsed, hit your head on the floor, started seizing and after 20 seconds got back up and said "hah, I remember my first beer"
I lost my bra, he lost his virginity. Seems like a fair trade off.
The date did not go well. Turns out I once set her brother on fire.
Tripping over coffee tables hurts shins but face is okay bc I landed on a sofa.
just woke up with nickles taped to my body. theres like a dollar worth.
not only did I call my ex crying but drunk me also deleted the phone log so I had no warning when I saw him in class
This pandemic, it’s making everyone horny. I’ve got dick stashed all over town
Randomize
