i think my mom watched the whole time
I printed and framed a picture of a seagull shitting, and hung it in my house. I'm waiting to see how long it takes everyone to notice.
you asked the guy at 7-11 if he remembered when you came in and threw news paper every where... then you did it again
I loved your drunken rendition of "I wanna dance with somebody" that you left on my voicemail last night.
i want to be friends with one of those mini shredded wheat men.
Never backflip into an above ground pool. I think the gash will be smaller by Monday though.
There really needs to be a redbox for wine because I want some but too lazy to walk into a store
You were just so carefree! People were like, "there's broken glass everywhere" and you were just like, IDGAFFFFFFF
Got stiff armed by the garbage man on the back of the truck...I just wanted to ride one block dude
That was so not worth putting pants on for.
Apparently duct taping your dick to your buttcheks before the first time she goes down on you isn't as funny as projected. She cried because she thought I was a girl the whole time.
I just wanna get drunk and go sledding in my kayak
He's only giving you free adderall so you can focus on his dick.
Yeah but you let me touch your butt. You're clearly the winner.
You can't say that. Only if you have peed on the side of the highway in daylight while signing Christmas songs can you say that.
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