My wife googled 'purchase vibrator.' Not sure if I should be excited or offended.
Guy next to me at the plasma center is high and watching porn on his itouch. I am wayy to hung over for this level of poor.
Will you please bring me a line of coke at work without asking questions?
I had to explain to my dentist that my tooth was chipped because we designated my mouth as the official way to open beer. I feel like our level of partying is no longer socially acceptable.
I have grass duct taped all over my body
I CAN'T DO THIS MUCH FABULOUS BEFORE LUNCHTIME
He unbuckled his belt, tipped his hat at me, then told me to "saddle up"
this is like your 5th cowboy right? where do you keep finding these guys?!!
Hey... Tell me if you remember differently, but nobody truly saw me naked, right?
My house smells like bleach. Also, I do not feel bad about all the stuff I stole from the hospital while I was there.
Drunk texting is the poetry of my life
Did I leave the house with out a shirt or socks?
Yea, you said you didn't need them cause she was going to take them off anyways and that it would "save time".
i just told him to get ready, because I'm going to be taking out my anger over the Super Bowl out on his penis.
My hair tie broke, stole my one-night stands daughters pink sparkly one. BEST hair-tie I have ever used...
Brother gave me a harry potter philosophy book for xmas we need to get stoned and talk about this.
I’m a lady. I promise I won’t oogle your junk when we go skinny dipping.
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