Im bringing wine tonight. Its from a merlot from nashville. i bet it'll taste like infidelity and teenage pregnancy.
a fat lady just tried to bring a cooler stuffed full with burger kid through airport security. christ I'm going to miss the midwest.
I don't know why girls would even talk to someone as drunk as I was.
so yeah i told her you were going to become a doctor and the first thing she said was "i still don't want to fuck him". i tried.
I think I ruined Robin and Mikes anniversary. I walked in on them fucking, accidentally broke the necklace he gave her, and I stole the keg from their party. Not in that order
Counseling BFF to break up with her BF. We will get that 3-way
You left your underwear here. I'm hanging it on my door
You haven't had the true md experience until you've had your crotch grabbed by a drunk stripper with a snaggle tooth in front of your coworkers.
I don't think she considers it a date unless she publicly urinates
I'm considering having a threesome with my friend just so I can sleep with his boyfriend and not feel guilty about it.
please remind me of this if i ever start out a night declaring my goal is to see how much american honey it takes for me to forget who i am again
Taco Bell is giving high school kids free tacos STEAL YOUR BROTHER'S WALLET I'LL BRING THE WEED.
Literally told everyone you're my idol cause you ate a chicken nugget off a sword
i think you might have coined the term "slightly awkward pyromania"
i feel like the girl with kaleidoscope eyes except the kaleidoscopes are sparkly butt plugs
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