He kept saying the best defense against a lion is to punch it in the throat.
I just saw a girl in Albersons in spandex and curlers buying PBR. Only PBR.
She accidentally pre-ordered us Dominos for the next day at 11:30am... we were very confused when we woke up.
How fortunate humanity is that it need not rely on the female orgasm for procreation
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Ye. Looking like it's about to be one of those mythical responsible weekends
He said he wanted to make me his Twinkie, "filled with his delicious cream." ABSOLUTELY 100% NO YOU MAY NOT REPEAT ****NOT**** GIVE HIM MY NUMBER EVER EVER EVER. Please confirm receipt and full comprehension of this message.
I have one of those hangovers where you visualize how awesome it would be to climb in your fridge and drink glacier water
Like I feel like I use my high IQ for the wrong things
Just realized I probably only have one more wedding where I can say I fucked the bride.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
GOIN TO BED BEFORE TEQUILA BLEEDS FROM MY EYEBALLS
I asked him if we were going to get arrested for doing it in the bar parking lot. "Absolutly not" said the guy getting the blow job...
Noo not in a booty call way, in a 'How are your abs and penis doing today?' sort of way.
I have betrayed my no carb ways & I can feel it.
Embrace it. Come over to the dark side. I'll feed you muffins while stroking your hair.
it's okay that you two hooked up in the family bathroom at the mall.. i just pray to god you were not making a family in the family bathroom..
Maybe I’ll just go to the party as myself
What, a homewrecker?
Touché
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