She's like a coupon for free blow jobs. No purchase necessary.
something about eating while taking a crap just doesn't seem safe to me.
The dry cleaners wouldn't even take our clothes. That's how bad of a night it was.
If I am going to throw out this whole "born again virgin" thing...i'm not going to do it on someone who is less than 5 inches.
i was gonna fuck her but then she started eatin sushi from her purse. i really need to raise my standards
... Already stepped in vomit and got a dirty look from a fat in a neck brace
I love your family. Oh. And on a completely unrelated note, I know where we can steal a dog.
My neighbors are outside blasting Hootie and the Blowfish while drunkenly hitting a stump with a hammer. I could get used to this.
She said she liked strap-ons.
SHE WAS TALKING ABOUT SHOES, YOU ASSHOLE! YOU'RE THE WORST WINGMAN EVER!
somehow this turned into a costume party you have to get here now with my banana suit or I'm wearing my birthday suit
He told me I look like a librarian today. I hope that means he has a librarian fetish or something
Disregard. He says he said I look "agrarian" today and just proceeded to compare me to Mumford and Sons. Fuck it, I'm going home and drinking
The walk home lasted longer than the sex. He lives in the flat above the bar.
How the hell could he be confused. He had a naked girl running to him. I feel like he would enjoy that.
HE MIGHT HAVE YOUR BUTTHOLE, BUT HE CANT HAVE YOUR HEART. THATS MINE.
She came home, put on the news, left a 20 minute drunk message on her friends machine, then proceeded to play back the entire message laughing hysterically and then just passed out
Randomize
