but instead of smelling like hand cream and homemade cookies, she smells like a yeast infection.
i just looked at my contacts and realized i saved the pizza hut girl's number as "fckucin pizza" the other night.
my mom found me this morning spread out like jesus sleeping on the living room floor. i had a piece of bread over my eyes to block the light out
After 12 shots he decided to show us knife tricks. You can figure out how it ended
I think I'm finally maturing. I'm happy he found someone. Good for him. I sincerely hope she doesn't choke on his tiny penis.
just filed my taxes drunk as balls. i may be going to jail.
Did i mention i'm like the equivilent of a prepubescent boy suffering from preejaculacy? I just about creamed my pants when he grabbed my hand..
Holding a cold bottle of mikes hard lemonade against my pulverized taint....this is my Sunday night
Am I really in your phone as Asshole Jesus??
On the plus side I'm getting really good at painting the inside of a toilet with my bowels.
His roommates came in the room and were throwing snowballs at us while we were hooking up.
It's sad that I'm more proud of my Twitter account then my resume
Her blow jobs are legen wait for it seriously like 9 people I know brag about them dary
i'm 99% sure they had an orgy while i was passed out
Okay. So did I kiss you last night? I know that I made out with someone. Or a few someones. But I'm pretty sure that I made out with you. Was that real life?
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