I'll be waiting for you under the stairs with peanut butter and tequila ... Don't tell the neighbors
we did anal to Party In The USA and he busted to Firefies .. felt like we were fucking in a middle school dance
She wouldn't go home with me cause I forgot her name. I didn't realize it would matter after she danced with her vagina on my face
Just stole a pregnancy test from Wegmans because I didn't want to pay 13 dollars to find out my life is over.
Chasing a shot of svedka with a clementine is NOT the same as tequila w lime...
He always takes me to get taco bell after we hook up in his car. It's sort of become a booty call tradition.
umm, I just masturbated to old Justin timberlake on MTV jams. in need of dick ASAP
You think you're smart. You're pretending to be asleep to save yourself from my hormonal pms mood swings. Unfortunately that only works against bears.
She pinched my nipples out of nowhere as I was about to come... I think I found god
Sending out old nude selfies with the message "#tbt"
He can kiss the multicultural 3 some goodbye
- I'm finally learning to be functional when I'm high. I feel like this is a milestone.
It's just a friend who is recently single and I'm going to heal his broken heart with my vagina
Since when do my one night stands start sending you friend requests?
Did you hear about the guy wearing a spiderman mask running around naked with a bottle of patron?
Yeah.
I was spiderman.
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