I want to walk on stilts...naked
An alarm set every 45 minutes saying "FATTY" and one every afternoon saying "CASPER" every day until spring break is a foolproof plan to being bikini ready
Lesson learned. Whipped cream will eat through a condom.
Hey, can you come over and kill me real quick
I'm so prepared to puke on walk of shame tomorrow that I'm putting a toothbrush and toothpaste in my purse the night before. And to think, my dad thought I wouldn't make it in college.
The used rubbers I threw behind her bed all semester must have landed on the baseboard heater. They went up in smoke when she turned on the heat last night.
I'm unshowered, and since I've seen this episode of say yes to the dress, I've decided to go to the store and get a frozen pizza at 10:20 am. I'm crushing life.
I dreampt that we were shooting zombies while we having sex. Is that normal?
My fridge door just caught on fire somehow.
It's days like today, when my bra and underwear match, that make me feel like I'm getting my life together...
I'm not gonna swipe right, he has better hair than me. Just no.
My freshman suitemate just walked into the kitchen to find my fuck buddy making chicken enchiladas without me anywhere to be found. Awkward or awesome?
My debit card was between my ass cheeks when i woke up. i vaguely remember putting it there for safe keeping
I just upped my southern womanhood. Taking whiskey and Kleenex pocket packs to the funeral.
I've never sung with balls in my mouth
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