They have to be talking about me. I never heard that statement until I was born.
well look at the bright side
maybe you can be on an episode of "I Didn't Know I Was Pregnant"
when i went to the store to buy my pregnancy test they were giving carnations to all the moms and they gave me one and said "just in case"
drunk guy next to me on the train just tried to share his pizza with me
he just tried to feed it to me...i love new york
When did our fuck buddy relationship, turn into me babysitting his dog?
I need to stop drinking alone, I wrote a love letter to my tattoos
The boys wrestled in the living room for the last condom while the girls chanted, "THE LAST MELON."
He said I took his samurai sword off his wall and proceeded to jump off his porch at people coming home from the bar.
Yeah that's a good idea.. I like to be responsible when I trip my nuts off
I just scored a new eye doctor and a date all in one email. BOOM!
The only downside to doctor sex is that getting choked with a stethoscope leaves marks.
high moment I think I just reached personal nirvana
I had just gotten to his place and was about to get some dick. No way was I gonna let her negative attitude affect my orgasm feng shui
Want ramen today?
I need a salad
SALAD DOESNT WARM YOUR HEART AND BELLY
My life is in shambles. Just made a grilled cheese in the microwave on a hot dog bun
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