then my best friend's brother, boyfriend, and future bro in law showed up at the bar. they asked who i was there with. didn't know if "a 40 year old man" or "my 5th grade teacher" was better answer.
Squirrels and blue jays and dove-like things. They're just frolicking around in my backyard. I wanna be like them.
i just overheard a girl at the next table saying she gave up sex for lent
don't you ever do that...
Bottle rocket just missed my head by about 3 inches. Of course I'm being safe
He only talks to me during the summer and it's probably because I let him fuck me in my pool last year.
I have had more skin than food in my mouth the last three days
You put Smirnoff in your grape juice and called it communion...
I just slammed another champagne, swaggered over to her, pointed across the room at the 20 y/o lacrosse player and whispered loudly, "I brought that one for YOU." I'm getting a raise.
My Internet history has 23 searches for 24 hour cake. Self respect plummeting.
I have a strong contender for the new number 1 position for fwb. He met me at the door with pizza and a shot of patron
Not sure if buying Twisted Teas for the alcoholics posted up outside the gas station counts as paying it forward but I am optimistic.
Liquor has joined the party. Aly just fucking yelled "I LOVE COOKING" and poured margarita mixer, ice and tequila into the blender.
He stood up through the sunroof yelling "CHOCOLATE MILK BITCHESSSS!!!! YOU AIN'T WORTH SHIT NOW!!!" the sad part is he wasn't even drunk yet. I worry about him sometimes.
Alone, in the dark, eating tacos and drinking vodka. Who's apartment is this?
It was a good thing I was on the balcony flashing those guys or I would have never seen her skipping to his car
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