No she hasen't showed up to my place yet, last I heard she was puking as she was walking without stopping near the park.
I feel like my vagina stays drunk longer than the rest of me. It's always super sensitive and hungry the day after drinking.
so i say "rick dont build that sandcastle" and he "says ok i wont" then i wake up and its sandcastle fucking city all over my apartment
Did we literally take a cab across the street
Seriously he's so hot. And it's so hard to flirt with a deaf guy
She wasnt impressed wen i brought a guy for her back with me, a 3am impromptu sperm donor is not a gd birthday present. Im a bad gf.
Jesus these cramps...it's like every potential fetus I swallowed last night is personally punching me in the uterus
Security deposit gone.
burned down garage with fireworks.
I just gave my mom some ones that look like they've probably been in some strippers cooter. Oops.
Haha. Just tell your mom not to smell them
Hey mom, most of this money I'm giving you is in ones. Don't ask why and whatever you do don't smell them.
Sounds legit to me.
So I don't know, I'm not a doctor, but I might be juggling dates with 3 different guys...
I'm getting a car wash man. I am go get a car wash high.
He yelled at me to keep it in my pants and I replied with I will fuck your roommate as much as I please. Oops
Doing a walk of shame at Wal-Mart at 3:30am because when I left at 11pm I was getting milk
THE COP WHO TOOK MY MUGSHOT LAST NIGHT JUST ADDED ME ON FACEBOOK
You were laying on the floor coloring a "get well soon' card for your liver...
Randomize
