Dude, I just saw a bird vs. squirrel fight. A car won.
my mom took me to a gay bar and went on and on about all her good times at clubs... i now know where i get it
then he compared my vagina to a dishwasher. A DISHWASHER?!
My date keeps hitting on your friend. Had no expectations, but not a real confidence booster.
Does having a sippy cup full of wine, at an outlet mall, qualify you as 'having a problem'?
Whatever, I used my iphone to send an Escalade to pick up a booty call last week. For free. It is futuristic as fuck out here.
No piss test, hell yeah
FALSE ALARM. PISS TEST. I NEED YOUR PISS.
my mom tried to talk to me about my drinking, i somehow turned it around on her, now shes going to AA and I'm going to the bar.
I need to stop getting high and watching documentaries. Wanna go to Japan with me and protest the mass genocide of dolphins?
Once you share a nude experience with someone and three Norwegian guys, you're bound for life.
The magician guy on probation is here at the bar. I'm gonna get him to show me a trick
Like do I send him a nude to ease his mind off his brother having a stroke? I'm not very good with words when it comes to consoling... I would be a terrible mother.
I woke up in bed spooning a vacuum cleaner
OMG I accidentally abducted a cat. Now there is a cat in my apartment. I NEED TO UNDO WHAT I HAVE DONE
He was a Cher impersonator. They are the draggest of queens
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