I just came so hard I farted. Twice. Thank God I'm alone.
there needs to be a "man fax report". like car fax. type in the guys name and bday and up pops all the bad shit he's ever done.
someone needs to make a hangover cure that isn't cocaine.
I am a terrible person. This is almost as bad as when I was going to see my ex while my boyfriend was at that funeral.
what's not responsible about a pool full of beer?
Please tell me you're throwing the cats into this foot of snow.
Omg you had literally better be on fire, drowning, and being crucified all at the same time to be calling me at 7:30 in the goddamn morning.
Quick question: how do I take a nice picture of my ass? I'm asking you because I figure with an ass like yours you're probably experienced.
This costume is too restrictive. The priest and I cannot get it on while I am wearing it.
Just to be a PITA after I die, my will leaves 1 cent to each of my FB friends. I hate my lawyer.
This is what happens when you leave: I get all vulnerable and I make out with the cowboy to shut him up about Jesus.
No more house parties. We're almost fucking 30 years old and I slept until 6 pm.
It feels so wrong having a picture of my tits next to a picture of my daughter.
We knew it was an interesting night when we found my thong wrapped around a chocolate chip muffin in the fridge.
People trash cargo shorts, but I'm like, sorry I had room for beers and you didn't.
Randomize
