I would dunk an oreo in her breast milk
You also had the stripper slap the shit out of me for not having any money....remember that?
or how I got to mom's but there is vomit on my shoes. I never thought i'd be recapping with her.
Yes i believe i did use that word. It culminated in a man wearing a corset thigh highs and stripper shoes. All mine btw.
This is a dangerous game of "whose life is more pathetic".
beeferoni + vodka = puke stuck in braces.
we sixty- nined on a tennis court.. not even drunk. you say insane. i say creative genius.
what's the name of that soccar player i bit again?
i just unblacked out cuddled in a pita pit booth with ten dollars rubberbanded to my hand.
This will never work out with him unless I somehow learn how to unhinge my jaw like a python.
The last text I sent him was about nachos. Frankly, if he can't respond positively to that he can fuck off...
When I took off my jeans he became more excited about my Elmo underwear than sex but to be fair, who can blame him. They're awesome undies.
Oh my god there's only so much masturbating one can do before one wants to fucking cry
If you think hives from an allergic reaction to lube is funny, remind me to tell you the story about how I got a black eye from masturbating.
Not sure if I should ask if I can have my underwear back or just avoid that all together.
Randomize
