Who would have guessed that ordering a vodka lemonade at Roscoe's was code for I want a hand job
I really wish I could go back in time to change the course of events that led to me sitting on the internet at 3 Googling 'Traumatic masturbation' while talking to you about failed dates, and running a virtual restaurant in a video game.
I just worked out and used handles of vodka as weights. Whoever said alcoholism is detrimental to you health obviously has no fucking idea.
I'm so in the Halloween spirit, I zombified my all of my nudes on my phone. Tell me this isn't creative.
I feel like you just railed me after that sext
A few days ago I apparently came up, asked her to make me soup, and handed her a can of coconut milk.
I told my boss that I'm in a slutty stage of my life right now and the chef overheard and slipped me his number. I might get laid tonight
Get ready tonight we are going to get drunk and pierce my nipples
Well I'm half drunk in a green tutu at a chipotle. So pretty good parade.
Well you got kicked off a stripper pole. They said girls only.
Why are there four guys spooning on the living room floor?
They're still there? Shit. They were supposed to leave after they hugged it out.
Definitely accidentally brought drugs into Disneyland. Considering using them.
It's 8 in the morning and you're doing coke and drinking margaritas. First, you have a problem. Second, why didn't you invite me?
Bug bite on my vagina. I think we need to stop this 'sex in awesome places campaign.'
IDK if she's gay or not, but there is something about the way she looks at me that says "do dirty dirty things to me." I have no choice but to oblige.
Randomize
