He keeps saying he loves me and ruining perfectly good conversations.
So I cleaned the toilet last night at 2 am and woke up with pink eye. Never doing that again.
Foreign porn with subtitles is a little disappointing.
There's 12 honey baked hams in my fridge. I vaguely recalled you organizing a "Midnight Ham Run."
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i should probably find things i have in common with someone besides drinking, before having sex with them
on the list of things i learned today that are not stripper poles: ex-boyfriends, table legs, and police officers.
Drunk you assumed that me saying I thought squirrels were cute meant for you to trap one in my car by luring it in with ham. You're going to hell for this.
You get to be the grown up. Leave a ciabatta by his face.
I'm going to start referring to my liver is Livy. I feel like if I give it an affectionate nickname it will hate me less. Livy isn't ready for syllabus week.
I think we all know your liver needs a man's name.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
So the next time I call you and say I'm going to my first strip club because it's christmas eve eve, and have work the next morning, I'd appreciate you stopping me
Um. Did you take a picture of me with a giant dildo after we went bowling?
I just want somebody who'll randomly bring me pizza and lovingly squeeze my butt. Is there a dating app for that, do you think?
It's the third day of class and I got told I smell like a distillery.
Just had an orgasim to the Star Spangled Banner so.. it was all worth it.
someday i'll meet a man and who loves me as much as i love getting drunk and starting fires
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