took him home. told him i would rock his world. passed out. a for effort f for follow thru
I drank like a thousand beers last night and my poo is solid, not gross like usual. I think this means I've grown up.
We stopped her at 12
12 shots? Or 12 midnight?
Which answer would freak you out less
i wrote her a fucking poem. i better get laid for that
you flashed my boyfriend last night so i tackled you to the floor. you may be a bit sore.
I think you're going to have to drive me to white haven. I don't know if my brain can handle having my mom drop me off at a strip club.
In other more interesting news I'm going to arrange a surprise orgy. You in?
I just totok an inventory of my purse: 1 apple, 1 pair of underwear, 7 condoms, $18 in ones, a check with "for sexual healing" in the subject line, and a 4 oz bottle of wine.
Oh! and a letter from a judge saying I got an interview. Cause that balances it out.
I need you to perform a face transplant. Please remove your face from your accounting book and relocate it to where it's most needed - between my legs.
The only people allowed to make me cry are myself and Chris Hemsworth as Thor. And me.
I licked your asshole in confidence.
if you were broke and planning on using koolaid as a tequila chaser which flavor would you pick?
im shaving my vagina and listening to frank sinatra, im coming over after
You really need to stop getting injured so often it's really starting to negatively impact my sex life. Oh and get well soon. . . no seriously though hurry the fuck up.
His mom knocked on the door during morning sex because we were being too loud...now i have to meet her for the first time
Randomize
