Crosby and Malkin: Two girls, one cup.
why do i have 22 missed calls from someone who is literally saved in my phone as bumrape star??
Time to put an end to this 'unprotected sex with crazy girls who have violent exes' trip I've been on so far this summer
The stripper from Delilahs paid the desk clerk to find out my room #. Either Im doin something very right or she's doing it worng.
why did you let me tell everyone that you can get herpes from the ice luge and then let me do the ice luge?
while you laid on the ground I poured water into your mouth out of dog bowl some random guy walks by and said now that's what I like to see.
So I found "Fat chicks in saran wrap" in my search history.
That's all you talk about when you are wasted.
Do you have any idea how horrifying it is to hear your sister and her husband fucking then immediately go down stairs only to hear your parents fucking....... I wish I was Hellen Keller right now.
Who is Katie and why do we have her birthday cake?
Theres a 75% chance I'm wearing a hocky mask and nothing else right now
Ps I am
I will blow you tomorrow if you bring me food tonight. Like a payment plan
Got a traffic ticket on the way home.. Literally cost me $171 to give him a blowjob. I swear the officer could smell the cum in my hair.
I shit you not. I was sitting on Brian's balcony...still drunk from the night before, and a hummingbird flew onto the patio, stared me right in the face and flew away. I feel like it was God's way of telling me, "Stop drinking."
This is the best 30th birthday ever. In a Motel 6 drinking a shower beer and sending slow-mo dick helicopter videos to you.
How far are you from my house? Do I have time to masturbate before you get here?
Randomize
