i blacked out hard core.. it was bad peeeed muh bed
God is so good, I would give him a blow job right now.
I thought it couldn't get worse until she said "Nipple hair"
So apparently the bar gave out free condoms, which I now have a pocket full of. Why is drunk me shoving the fact that I'm single and not getting laid in sober me's face...
You can't buy drugs with a ziplock bag full of quarters, chuck-e-cheese coins, and a starbucks giftcard.
watch me
The thumbs up barstamp on my hand is mocking my hangover with its positivity.
Wors thing about having a cop dad: random drug testing
I don't know. She kept pirouetting across the kitchen while making dinner. I just sat there stoned.
If magic marker is safe for kids, it should be safe for cats...right?
I just used crown royal bags as pot holders...
When you went off to sleep with that guy that looked like a dirty Jesus and I asked why all you had to say "trying to keep Christ in Christmas" and left. The Vatican called, you're going to Hell.
Dude, you kicked in the door to get to a six-person orgy while yelling "I JUST WANT TO LEARN!!"
So this was during drunk golfing. She started wacking me off on the ninth hole and an old couple rolls up next to us. And Says "hey gu- oh my golly" and while my penis is in her hand I'm like "sorry you guys can play through"
I'm going to give you the best blowjob of your life. And yes you can use my mom's printer.
Soooo, hypothetically, how long would roommates have to sleep together before its considered dating...
Randomize
