please tell me if i'm home and in my bed
negative
come find me please
He just left me a message saying he left the rest of the weed for me. Did i just get paid for sex? And if yes did i just get paid in drugs?
These old people don't even realize they're giving me weed money for shoveling snow.
Maybe she got knocked up by accident. I still refuse to believe that anyone actually INTENTIONALLY gets pregnant.
I love when I'm alone in the house. It's like pants were never invented.
My wrist bandage is guacamole stained. What an accurate representation of my life as a whole
Her gay brother kept hitting on me and cockblocking me. Don't even begin to tell me how bad your night was.
I found his backpack for the weekend. All it had was ping pong balls, mardi gras beads, and Tums.
Pretty sure I just puked up sand. And nothing else.
We were high as balls fucking in the back seat when we saw the blue lights. He's like, "I got this" and walked over butt ass naked and goes, "Sorry dude, we're just banging" and the cop apologized for disturbing us and drove off.
we're like the harlem globetrotters of underage drinking
If you had amazing eyebrows i'd have sex with them.
Not only did I get the promotion, but last night after sex he took me outside and let me hold it for him while he peed in the snow. I made a heart. This week is going amazing
It's very rude to dive mouth-first into someone's crotch without knowing if their wife is cool with it.
You make any dick jokes involving sushi and there WILL be consequences.
Sushi is fucking sacred in this house and I will kill you if you try and taint that.
Randomize
