Seriously.......what do you have to do to get arrested in Vegas???
Why am I drunk on a roof painting at 11 in the morning
where's my purse there's an important taco in it
My head weighs 7 pounds. i know this because i spent the majority of the night passed out in the bathroom, using the scale as a pillow.
i went out at 5pm and cant remember anything until 3am...i was at the bus stop parking lot running around doing the Arrested Development chicken calls.
We need a shit load of segways right now
I'm going to avoid eye contact because my old high school English teacher is not who I feel like seeing after I just had a dick in my mouth
How'd your Tinder date go?
Well, I met his girlfriend...
don't give me stepladders when i'm stoned.. i woke up to a slice of balogna nailed to the ceiling
How many hotdogs are you going to eat today?
THE LIMIT DOES NOT EXIST.
Between randomly bursting into tears and the reappearance of my lost sex drive, this break up has left me bizarrely damp.
There's a possibility I may have hooked up with that British guy...
Possibility? You left the door open! Everyone saw!
It's probably not a good thing when it isn't even 6:30 and I've already drank an entire bottle of wine. By myself. I'm watching Spice World and I just bought 2 Spice Girls albums off itunes.
Make that 3 Spice Girls albums.
You kept licking my face. You said you were making sure I was real.
Right before he dumped me... he got a really ugly pair of pants. They were twill pants. A pinkish color. When I'm sad... I picture him in them. It makes me smile.
Randomize
