god is playing jersey shore on new years on purpose. he wants me to play drinking games and die. i wish he knew how serious this is.
He doesn't know I'm infertile yet, that's when the sex gets good
And then he used the flashlight app to illuminate me giving him head. Thanks IPhone
Pregnancy scare over. Let the cockfest begin.
Either I'm spending too much time drinking or my perfume is starting to smell like a pineapple vodka.
my mouth is as dry as a post-menopausal camel on antidepressant's vagina.
I am undressing in in n out. They migit ca5l security. Are you provn d6 me?
OH MY GOD. SO PROUD.
My cab driver just started a conversation with "Three years ago I pleaded guilty..." Check on me later tonight please.
He sent me a vid of himself jerking off. I hope his hands are the size of tennis rackets or it will be a very short date.
They are the perfect team. One always has weed, the other always has cigarettes. They're like the Batman and Robin of drugs
When I said I wanted you to make noise during sex, I didn't mean mocking ones.
At some point, you're going to have to talk to a tree and do what it says
why are there 3 differently sized panties on our kitchen counter?
You gotta have 1 orgasm for me and the rest can be for you. I'm living vicariously through you 😂
Maybe if you would fuck your boss you would get string cheese too
Randomize
