Five things that make you perfect. Go.
The skin of a dead hooker. The blood of the innocent. The soul of a kitten. The hat from cat in the hat. And sunglasses.
I just realized I've stolen a hat from every guy I fucked. Except the last one. Maybe there is hope for me.
Can you bring me a pair of sunglasses to the bathroom please... Don't judge me.
when we got back we had sex. but it wasnt til the morning that i figured out her leg was broken
I can't even type what I drank. I'll throw up
If I ever mention marriage force me to Brazil to do coke and strippers until I die.
By the way, I got bored last night and just started putting my balls on every object in your room. One at a time.
Second wind. Either that or my heart is about to explode. I'm hoping the first one.
YOU'RE FORCING ME TO BLOW A GUY BY NOT ANSWERING MY CALLS
You might call them booze related cuts, I call it "partying so hard you sweat blood"
I accidentally told my mom "the reason I didn't answer your call is because my phone was in my pants, on the floor"
I know you're aving fun across the room but I can clearly see you getting a handy. It's not as "low key" as she promised. Also, why are you texting while she's doing it?!
honestly my period and I are just as surprised to see each other every month
I'm sorry for getting drunk and throwing a robo-bird at you.
I drank a fishbowl of liquor and next thing I know I'm sliding into Zach Galifinakis' DMs
Randomize
