Rescue me. My white trash great uncle just pulled out his belly at the restaurant to show us how big this woman's tit was
my bed looks and feels like i need to buy plan b.
so i think im going to actually use my calories on food today instead of beer.
I feel like banging her is an expected thing. But banging you would be like getting a 36 on the ACT.
High school girls are buying me shots. This will not end well.
if I see a bottle of vodka right now I'll probably throw up gum I swallowed when I was a kid
Its only 9:11 and I just somersaulted through a window. Its gonna be a good night
He gave me one look and told me I'm not allowed to board the plane if I'm still as drunk by departure time.
He never broke character while fucking me on the neighbor's lawn. I give him a 10 for his dedication to the British accent.
Somehow ended up home, probably had something to do with the makeshift ladder from my second story window. Now headed to church, still drunk, and still fighting back the vomit of a thousand different alcohols. Successful night.
My brother didnt wanna sleep with her because she was my friend. Did I miss the memo where we're not supposed to be fucking each others friends? Oh well too late.
She just asked what would happen if you put a vacuum in your butt and turned it on. These are our conversations.
Agree to hang out with him and then take a gigantic shit right on him. Or if youve forgiven him for being a fucker maybe make out with him.
I should stop using "Braveheart would do it" as a basis for decision making...
Was it cause you feel bad for the ridiculousness my vagina goes through because same
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