i was about to cum until he started doing shrek impressions.
how do i say, "my ex is going to be at this party so don't look like shit" without sounding like a bitch?
Preparing for thanksgiving at home now by chugging bourbon. Less than a month to train!
You couldn't stand up so I took you home, took off your makeup, put you to bed then shaved off your eyebrows. I so nearly won the responsible adult prize.
okay. so this hammed chick got arrested and she keeps trying to make out with the cop. i like her style.
When I say I took advantage of you when you were drunk, I mean that I convinced you to let me paint cute little panda bears on all of your toenails.
We had three bowls going. It was a tri-bowl tournament. Harry potter shit.
The only way I can describe the noise he makes when he has an orgasm: dying walrus.
If we both finish he brings me a beer and cookies, if only he finishes I get wine and cheesecake. I think I'm in love.
There is no amount of alcohol that can make me forget I had a Jimmy Kimmel sex dream
When he breaks your heart after he reveals he's gay, I'll be there for you. -Love, Dad
I should not be allowed to reproduce. The world doesn't need my sarcastic asshole demon spawn in child form
He's tiny, but ripped. Like a stacked hobbit. He's going to pull our sexy, crime-fighting rickshaw.
I'm not trying to analyze you I'm just saying you are being unfair to soup
I just set my mike's hard down and didn't want it to spill, so I held my finger up and told it to shoosh. I'm drunk.
Randomize
