Don't make out with my wife yet
it was like she was tryin to eat my face and i was defending myself with my mouth
woke up this morning with pubes superglued to my face, not my pubes
I can'nr wwn explain this nihght . So amnt dixks. Shitttttt.
There's nothing like sitting directly behind someone you fucked 5 years ago at church on Easter Sunday
Well, I looked over and you and him were each making out with a fireman. And then you switched. And you probably spent an hour like that.
It really does creep me out though that the next ten years will involve my friends creating smaller versions of themselves because to be honest I don't know how much I like some of them. So that thought it really scary
I'm like still hungover from the quinceanera.
When he wakes up tomorrow with half shaved legs smelling like a preteens bathroom, I'm sure he will think he has had a great evening
Is 28 too old to get fingered in Centennial Park? Asking for a friend.
I haven't been dieting for my entire life to date some guy who thinks his dad bod is a riot.
things i am: 1) still drunk 2) still wearing my leopard onesie 3) still gonna make my 9am lecture despite the odds CAN I GET A HIGH FIVE
she was sitting on the toilet asking for me to take a "cute facebook profile picture" for her
Just got your voicemail. The 3am call wasn't a drunk dial, it was an I left my phone in my pocket then has wild animalistic sex dial...
I hate you.
You LOVE me.
Only if I get to be Gritty
How would you be Gritty for a fantasy hockey league?
Don't worry about it.
Randomize
