You need to stop texting me at SEVEN in the morning. It wakes my one night stands up and makes for the awkward talk way too early.
New pre-game routine....wal-mart bathrooms...quality beers for free...hallelujah
the table of underagers at this wedding were seated 10ft from the open bar. currently 30 open containers on the table for 5 people. dinner hasn't even been served yet.
apparently you can't crawl through the drive-thru window
it's official, after last weekend my girl number is higher than my guy number. fix this.
I started sorting laundry at 6 am. He finally got the hint and left
Februarys looking very promising in the vaginal department
You were force feeding yourself jello and you kept repeating, "I will not surrender"
I am not exagerating when I say the thought "screw you future me" actually just went through my head
I just folded my boss's lingerie. I need a drink and a raise
It's like my uterus was saying, "hey, you're not pregnant, but imagine if you were!"
You tried to order fondue take-out.
From Taco Bell.
Swear on my life the dude next to us just ordered a pizza and I will fight to the death for a slice
I think I won an award for shitting and vomiting at the same time.
I can always count on you to keep my boobs honest
Randomize
