"I want to just tie you up so you\'ll still be here like this when I get home." Actual words.
saw my dad's penis on the x-ray last night. at least his hip wasn't broken
:( I miss blowjobs.
This is probably the strangest conversational segue we've ever had.
you made pancakes with beer, you said they were good. then you threw up 15 minutes later
All I want for christmas is my sobriety back.
i just realized why god gave us younger siblings....to DD for us when we come home for the summers
you tipped EVERY employee at white castle
Grilled cheese and whiskey for lunch is why i should NEVER be a housewife.
We made a bet that we had to talk like Yoda all night at the bars
We just started the day with vitamin bombs. Daily vitamin + whatever's left in your glass from last night = feel like a champion
I just can't deal with that sentence
He said I was really mad at him on Friday. Dude I fell asleep in all my clothes and shoes, with my flashlight on, on my phone... I could have been mad at the wall. It wasn't my classiest day.
I think I'm destined to be the stoner version of one of those successful but emotionally unavailable characters Sandra Bullock always plays in movies
omg so there's this guy on the roof and he just stripped for no reason and now i think he's making out on the rooftop with some other guy? who are these people
2016 is coming through for me, I'm renaming it the year of great dick
I need your help immediately! I sorta kinda sliced my foot off at the ankle with my new kitana. Bring your cooler, ice and some hospital road beers.
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