The best thing happened. Some guy was butchering Conway Twitty at karoke and the power went off in the whole bar. And someone shouted "you pissed jesus off when you messed with conway!"
Rub youre cunt and tell me you love me.
Your incorrect use of you're doesn't arouse me in the slightest.
I think the neighbors upstairs are trying for more kids. I want to run up there and yell "mazal tov!"
I had a drunk dream I lived on a puppy farm. I hope this dream repeats every night of my life.
Do you think it'll be awkward standing up at their wedding knowing I've slept with both the bride and the groom?
oh awks just saw the head of medical staff who I punched the bottle of wine at
You told me you loved me after I brushed your teeth with my index finger.
It's almost like he dry humped the last remaining bit of good person out of me.
you were yelling that somebody needed to take your bra off with such enthusiasm my first thought was that you were on fire.
we told the drug dealer that our car was dead and we needed a jump so he would bring the drugs to us...
Its a holy bong. We had to bless the holy bong water.
...is this motivational speaking, or sexting? It's getting hard to tell.
Not only did I get the promotion, but last night after sex he took me outside and let me hold it for him while he peed in the snow. I made a heart. This week is going amazing
Hey. You got pizza and sex. How much more can you ask for?
It took him 15 minutes to put the condom on.
Randomize
