I like how my family gatherings are basically an ugly sweater party just with better beer and wine...
Now I know how you felt every time you had to listen to me have sex with a girl... mildly disguested yet marginally proud.
the plan is to continue having sex with all three of them until my birthday, and then once they've given me their presents, they can find out about each other.
I just inadvertently flirted with my coworker's 20-year old son. I've known him since he was 14, yet suddenly he looked different.
You are nothing if not reliable.
once you have herpes you dont really care what goes in your mouth anymore.
I think I love you, but I may be biased because we had pirate sex.
I see you've set aside this special time to humiliate yourself in public.
I chugged vodka from a 15 ft snorkel. What the fuck did you do with your life today?
Yes, I have your ice luge mold. I'll do a prisoner exchange for the beer bong
An image of us stuck like that like Pompeii comes to mind. A wonder for future anthropologists
Also, in the middle of me riding him, he said "I want you to dance on my dick" like I was supposed to know what that means
Alls I wanted was a fun New Years but I end up fingering a geico sales representative on a futon and giving her a ride to work the next morning
I haven't even had my coffee yet and you're being slutastic
Literally breaking up to my boyfriend while jamming out to Feraglicious
He's the one named Andrew. In his profile picture he is the one on the right in the monkey costume.
Randomize
