Walked home this morning with my contacts in a shot glass.
First class.
Looking at the victoria's secret website makes the ice cream I'm eating taste like sadness and obesity
I just showed my tits to my brother on chatroulette. Could my life get any worse?
They upped the price of Plan B! Rite-aid is going to be the reason I have illegitimate kids.
I hope that he knows just because i pissed in his bed doesn't mean were together.
he obviously didn't care that i was sleeping and dreaming about ellen degeneres knitting me a christmas sweater.
We just took turns doing keg stands. 27 is way too old for this. Out of 5 of us, our best time was 9 seconds.
Why did I puke in my shower caddy last night
I`m watching Shallow Hal & Jack Black has better nipples than Jimmy's chick.
If you end up wanting to sit on his face, just make a sound like a dying giraffe and I'll make myself scarce.
I don't want to be "that guy" but I may have accidentally sent a dick pic to your mom
And to be fair, I think we all suspect that forbidden sex with an outlaw biker might be worth it.
I would climb him like a jungle gym. Enthusiastically and creatively.
If you wanna fuck the pudding, fuck the pudding. Just not the chocolate, Im gonna eat that.
i saved a drunk oompa loompa he was passed out on the lawn and i picked him up figured out where he lived and put him in his bed and wrote his roommate a note
Randomize
