i was texting myself key events from last night so i could remember this morning. looked at my phone, texted my mother instead. our numbers differ by 1 digit
I wasn't fucked. I was just drunk, because i was still able to walk into the woods and masterbate.
Omg. In the pub, there's a guy shouting at the olympic channel 'yeah! Kill that motherfucker!' we're watching figure skating.
I think I should just go up to him and say, "before I invest time in this could I just take a look at your penis?"
There's so much relief when you realize you wake up in your own bed
found used condoms and an omlet in my uggs. I'm disgusted but not surprised.
He told me his penis would be a "Sad Panda" if I didn't give it a ride through the jungle.
Oh yeah forgot to mention that I referred to myself as the oral sex heavyweight champion last night
Dude I reek of $2.50 pitchers, $1 off/pack marlboro cigs, and fear.
Fear?
FEAR.
Also I have uncooked pasta. I was hoping that could get cooked at your place. Don't ask about the circumstances that I came into ownership of uncooked pasta
She had caution tape on her head and she blew me.
Still breathing?
Still breathing , but quite out of it. I think I hallucinated like 20 action sequences.
What.
I need to wear something that says I would have sex with you but I'm not going to
Do you wanna fuck while my apple pie is in the oven?
never let me tell the bartender to cut me off, i basically told on myself
Randomize
