Applied 4 a nanny job usin a Legit Site. Xplain to me how the couple I found offered me a 3some complete with 'sexy pics' of the wife blowin hubby. wtf?
obviously you're part succubus.
last night was fun... but i spent all morning tring to get the candle wax out of my chest hair. We did use candles last night?
It's like being the dunk pilot of a plane full of pornstars and drunkenness.
explain the broken jalepenos in my underwear drawer?
It feels like there's puke trying to explode out of me from behind my eyeballs.
After I was arrested and in the back of the squad, she lit a cig. I politely stuck my head through the glass opening and asked for a drag. She instantly slammed my head back, blew smoke at me and shut the glass. My view on state trooper chicks is forever tainted.
I'm staying at his house to solve the homeless situation. There's a freezer bag of weed in the fridge. He doesn't know it's there, and he's not missing it so I may have an income soon.
I take pride in being a married 31 year old who sleeps on her best friend's bathroom floor from time to time.
Felt so good this afternoon, figured I wouldn't have a comedown. Wrong. Just realized I've been staring at a wall for 40 minutes contemplating the color yellow.
How will you ever teach your dogs to pee outside when the biggest puddle on your bedroom carpet is from you?
You don't know the true meaning of fear until your girlfriend's niece insists on sitting on your lap with 20 mg of Viagra coursing through your veins.
Did I call him? He cried after taking my bra off. You tell me.
I told my coworker that I'm going to a dinner party and was asked to bring wine and pregnancy tests and he was like.. I miss being 20
I just saw the co founder of Waffle House passed away Friday. Are you okay?
That's about the same time my life started falling apart... Coincidence?!?!? I think NOT!!!
If the multiverse is real, would you screw yourself? I'd screw myself.
Randomize
