Just met a synchronized swimmer, can you imagine the things she could do in the water
Legs for days
Harpoon that
i just wanna soil my oats bro
Your date looks like the Cloverfield monster. good luck.
physics? naw man, teacher told us it was casual friday, so i decided to be super casual and not go.
I woke up and there is a food processor in my purse. Someone else's framed family photo. My front door is wide open and my gerbil is playing in the water bong.
Yeah I'm going to bathe him.
I have to be home in time to watch my friend on that Lifetime show about having babies. And by friend, I mean the girl I had a lesbian experience with at a party 3 years ago.
I told them I got hit by a car again and now im pretty sure they think im being abused but there was no way in hell the truth was going to fly. Employed people aren't supposed to break their faces in piggy back ride accidents.
he got mad becuase i made more noise when he gave me a back massage then i do when we actually have sex
Remember that time you came over to my house and I was on the porch naked and eating peanut butter?
And then after we fucked he wouldn't stop calling me "champ". It was like I had sex with an extremely attractive soccer coach
The cops just came to this party I'm at and ate all of our snacks
Dude just crushed our bbq lays and told us to quiet down
Why are there so many fucking Lambchop puppets hidden around my house?!
Did I just hear you ask Siri about the meaning of life?
Even blacked out me knows not to sleep with socks on
I told him to take the baby so I could work out. My workout consisted of getting high and masturbating
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