see... this is why i put birth control in all my friends drinks
wait.... you do what?
i wonder how he feels talking to my mother about jesus with a condom on his dick
but i am gonna have to have sex w/ him again to get my earrings back
I wish Michael J Fox could read me bedtime stories
He could rock you to sleep
If you did the rosary as much as you masturbated, you would be the pope
Apparently I'm the guy that didn't get the memo that Afliction and wifebeaters were the proper attire for tonight... so I'll just sit here alone in my sweatervest and be judged.
I know I hit you with my car but people express love in different ways. Everyone is different.
Was I wearing clothes when I handed you your keys. Please tell me I was wearing clothes.
Fuck winter. I had to scrape my windshield, shoeless, after the walk of shame so I could go home.
Why is everyone in the bowling alley looking at me like i'm a prostitute just because I have bunny ears on?
the whole "pretend to be sober/pull it together for my family" thing really blew up in my face when i threw up into my pillowcase.
I've already agreed to hook up with 3 people tonight, and its not even 2:00 yet... I think this is what the path to success looks like.
My neck is PURPLE. This is NOT a good day to be indoctrinated by the cardinal...
holy shit I was not prepared for her to whip out that dildo
Dude we just exchanged Zelda related pickup lines. I fell in love at "you can blow on my ocarina"
Randomize
