She asked to borrow my chapstick then said "I promise I won't get herpes on it"
And then he said "I can't get blown while Gordon Bombay and Mr. Holland stare at me from the TV"
Accidentally just signed something at work 'lotus flower' I need to keep my stripper life separate from real life.
I positioned my bed perfectly so around 10 a.m. every morning there are rays of sunshine coming through the window in my room. Now i can tan while PTFO.
I woke up and blew hamburger out my nose. That kinda night.
I threw up sweet potatoes. Worst thing to throw up ever. They came back mashed.
I'm pretty sure I just discovered what the American Dream is said the person eating a hotdog for breakfast in bed in her underwear
I'm surprised, it's been so long you must be starving
At a certain point, the zombie-like hunger goes away. Then the sadness sets in. Then you start lying to yourself that you're taking some "me time." Then you remember you dodged chlamydia and Buddha knows what else. Then you're at peace with it.
Idk but she keeps giving me s'mores and I'm having a hard time caring about her alcoholism because of it
We could get her a gift basket of Xanax l
Sorry for trying to baptize you last night
You knew the entire thing in Latin I was so impressed
I've decided to have sex with him one more time to make sure I don't like him
If you binge watch Bill Nye Saves the World without me you can consider yourself single
so in 24 hours i have gotten caught having sex in my car by a cop, almost burnt off my vag, almost got hit by a semi, and got fired. awesome.
There are some people who should not be trusted with a cell phone while drunk. You know your one of them when you call the cops on your own party.
Randomize
